There are two reasons you've probably never seen a Nobel Prize awarded. The first: Most likely, you're not a genius. Well, neither am I. The closest you or I will get to Sweden's big party is the meatball line at IKEA.

The second? Well ... let's think about that one. What awards shows make it on TV? The Oscars, the Grammys, the Tonys, the Emmys.

And what do the stars appearing on them have in common? It's not their great minds, is it?

There's a reason for this. As Thomas Edison said, "Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration." And all this perspiration doesn't necessarily result in a pretty package. Sharon Stone can talk about her Mensa membership all she wants, Vanity Fair will still pick beautiful people for its cover.

What makes the Nobel Prize the granddaddy of respectable awards--even if it never makes it on network television--is that the superficial package is irrelevant. These are awards for the mind, the heart, and the soul.

But there's something important that all this respectability ignores. And that's relevance. Not cosmic relevance, of course. There, the Nobel laureates have it. The 1999 award for physics went to two professors from The Netherlands who "placed particle physics theory on a firmer mathematical foundation." (I think that's like when you're playing Jenga, you should take pieces from the top first.)

Their work is no doubt valuable. But let's face it. It's a rare person who wants to encounter physics and math again after college. Especially in the same sentence.

What the world really needs are awards for great things that make our everyday lives better. Things we can relate to. Things we have a chance of inventing ourselves--especially if prize money is concerned.

So, from now on, I'm awarding annual prizes in five categories:

• Technology: Because physics and chemistry no longer cover the bases.
• Courage: Because the cowards already get their share of attention.
• Convenience: Because life is short. And we can all be glad we don't have to actually pluck the chicken before we barbeque it.
• Art & Culture: Because Star Trek is great, but even Spock played the lute.
• Humor: And because laughter has proven positive medical effects.

(Did you know that dead people can't be considered for a Nobel Prize? What's up with that? My prizes will be awarded regardless of life-status ...)

The technology winner: What's something that you'd probably find in every single home in the United States? Besides indoor plumbing, I mean.

Yup. That's right: the refrigerator. It keeps your food cold and fresh--which makes it safe to eat for longer periods of time. And refrigeration isn't only used for foods: hospitals and scientists use it; even astronauts need it. It's a development that has advanced society in many, many ways.

And the guy who came up with the basic principle of humidity control and cooling was Willis Carrier, who realized that air could be dried by saturating it with water, which would provoke condensation. Without this insight, others could not have given us the fridge.

What's especially inspiring about Carrier, who has dozens of refrigeration-related patents, is that--according to the company Web site--he couldn't understand how fractions worked without slicing an apple into pieces.

For courage: There couldn't be anything more terrifying than being the first person on Earth to leave the planet. And it's possible that nothing will be more important to the preservation of human life than space exploration.

So, for that reason, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin deserves the award for courage.

A World War II refugee, Gagarin was a normal guy who achieved fantastic things. He trained as a metalworker and took a casual interest in flying before joining the Soviet Air Force Academy in 1955 and the cosmonaut program in 1960. On April 12, 1961, Gagarin was launched into space aboard Vostok I. Like modern air travelers Gagarin enjoyed an in-flight meal (he was the first to attempt to eat or drink in a weightless environment) and a stunning view of the passing landscape.

But while jet travelers of today may encounter the occasional bumpy landing, Gagarin endured about 8 G forces (8 times the force of gravity at the Earth's surface) when Vostok I reentered Earth's atmosphere. Soviet documents released in the late 1980s suggest that Gagarin did not remain in his seat with his seat belt fastened until the capsule came to a complete stop. Instead he bailed out of the capsule and parachuted to Earth from an altitude of about 6 km (4 mi).

Gagarin died in 1968, during a routine test of his flying skills, a little over a year before Neil Armstrong became the first man to visit the moon.

Both Gagarin and Armstrong owe a lot to a dog named Laika, who was the first space traveler--and a female, to boot. That said, Laika did get a band named after her.

For convenience: This category could have so many winners.

Would it be the ear thermometer, which has spared parents and small children the humiliation of other avenues of temperature-taking? Or indoor plumbing, for which we owe a debt of gratitude to the Greeks? What about the ATM card, which gives us access to our money even if it's not convenient for bankers?

For versatility's sake, though, I'm going to go with the telephone. It's small, it doesn't pollute, and it helps for everything from business to personal tasks. As nice as letters are, the phone is a lot quicker--and sometimes this speed is really important.

Can you imagine writing a letter to the fire department? "Please come quickly--my husband seems to be choking on a piece of steak."

For this, Alexander Graham Bell, at long last, deserves an award. He couldn't have predicted the telemarketers, after all.

For art & culture: All that extra time that various conveniences have given us must be spent somehow.

And, it seems, many of us choose to spend it in front of the TV. Despite the bad rap that television gets, it has transformed our culture. It's made us aware of injustice in other parts of the world. It's inspired us to come to the aid of the starving in Somalia, and it's shown us, first-hand, the consequences of war. And, there are some really good shows on TV.

Of course, there are bad ones, too. I, for one, did not mourn the passage of Suddenly Susan. Heck, I can't even stand M*A*S*H reruns anymore. Anything good has the power to be bad. Aspirin, for example, is an excellent drug that does everything from ease headaches to prevent strokes. But, if you take too much, it can kill you. This doesn't mean aspirin is inherently evil, though. It just means it has to be used with care.

And the same is true with television. If people would just stop watching the bad shows, the networks would stop making them.

Just as no single person can be blamed for Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, no single person invented the television. Many smart innovations over decades finally brought it about. And all of those people--from James Clerk Maxwell to Vladimir Kosma Zworykin--deserve just a little bit of credit.

For humor: There are so many choices. I'd give this award to Dr. Seuss, who combined humor and rhyme with great insight about responsibility, race, the environment--and the value of a single human life.

Mostly, though, I'd like to hear his acceptance speech.

My nerves have been so nervous

My stomach, topsy-turvous 

But, on behalf of Thing Two and Thing One, 

I am thoroughly glad we have won...